Dear Simon,
It’s getting to the time of year when my thoughts turn to you. In fairness you’re never far from my mind when it’s a frosty winter’s morning and I’m all wrapped up in a scarf, hat and gloves. Your presence is with me when the first buds appear on the trees and birdsong is spring excitement. I’m reminded of you when the red summer sun is slowly setting in the blue sky, another long day done. But it is Autumn which hits me the most, with its crisp mornings, the nights drawing in and a feeling of wanting to hibernate.
As spiders spin their webs that sparkle in the morning dew, and the squirrels frantically bury as many acorns as they can, unaware they won’t find them all, I find myself smiling at autumn’s beauty once again. I’m here to experience the trees changing from green to red brown, and I try not to feel the sadness which comes with knowing you’re no longer here to see it. I really appreciate, after grieving for 5.5 years, that life is valuable and precious, but it’s also cruel when it decides to stops. I’m not sure if I’ve made complete peace with death as it took you away from me too early. I’ve accepted it only in the terms of the grieving process, but it is and always will be unfair.
I had a flash of a memory of you the other day and it literally stopped me dead in my tracks. In the memory you were expressing your love for me in the silly way you did, which included you moving around the room with your arms out stretched. Remembering it took my breath away and in that moment my body ached for you. Not in the same touch deprived intensity when I first lost you, but missing individual you, your touch and your laughter. It was missing how special you made me feel with just your eyes. It was us both wrapping up in warm clothing and heading into the autumn trees, sharing this season with all its browns and golds. It was, for a brief moment, feeling you in the room but within seconds you were gone again. The warm and loving memory is replaced with a dull emptiness when reality strikes.
I pause…
As suddenly guilt comes after expressing loss. I’m putting all this on you and it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t cause me miss you and you didn’t choose I go into this autumn without you. As quick as I pour out my grief I want to cover it up with words of joy.
So I will.
I am happy and grateful. I’m experience life and it’s so much fun. I’m meeting new people and spending time with those who really matter. Solo, our naughty little cat, is still loud and constantly demanding attention. I’m safe, secure and have shelter. I’ve even danced all night, playing air guitar to Bon Jovi and drank gin until the early hours. More importantly I am loved and I love too. Autumn will be here in a few days and already it’s cooler in the morning. Soon I’ll get my winter hats and gloves out and the fairy lights will be switched on earlier. Your cider apples trees are doing well. Not sure if I’m ready for the summer to end but I can’t stop it moving on. It is with smiles for life and sadness to do it without you, wonderful individual you.
Simon
I’ll make cider and call it Si D’oh
Love your autumn hermit
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Simon's Hermit 