As my car pulled up to the side, I gasped at the amount of people waiting quietly outside. I knew it was going to be a hard day and so my autopilot kicked in to offer protection. I still remember where I was sat, how I felt as I heard the words people said and the meaning behind the music I chose for him. All the time staring at his, larger-to-cope-with, photo in front of his coffin.
This is it, I told myself, the final farewell.
I didn’t want it to be goodbye, I wasn’t ready and yet I couldn’t sustained the heightened stressed state I’d was forced into for over two weeks. Anxiety, heartbreak and being overwhelmed were so strong, I didn’t know how I was going to get through it. It was all for Simon, his final send off, a party in his honour, with everything planned to the last detail. But when I felt the arms of loved ones holding me up, listening to them speak of him and showing so much love, I realised this day was for those he left behind. It was for me and everyone who loved him.
It became a release.
What was to follow from his funeral is more of a blur. I can only describe it as falling into a very deep void and not knowing how long I was going to stay there. I had a lot of dark days but at some point I started to look back at my time with Simon, and instead of feeling sorrow I began to smile. No longer was our time overshadowed and overwhelmed by death.
With each year that passes the grief cloak is slowly being removed from my shoulders. I’m able to lay it in front of the fire, knowing it’s still there and accepting for what it is. Sometimes, when triggered, it smothers me and occasionally I choose to wrap it around my body in order to be close to him.
This day will always stay with me. Where once it was due to the trauma, it is now to appreciate when a gathering of people all came together and connected for one reason. To support each other and to remember the person they love.
Simon, I speak for us all, you are very sorely missed.
Simon, wish I could talk to you one last time.
I would tell you about your funeral and you would laugh
love you always
your hermit
x x x
Simon's Hermit 