As I look up from my laptop, I take a moment to watch my cat. He’s on guard duty, surveying his domain from the perch of the windowsill. I don’t know what he sees, whether he’s given any thought about what he’s doing. I only see the odd head movement he makes as he catches a leaf drifting passed. I only know when he’s sees a bird, because he makes the chirping sound of a frustrated hunter. When he sees another cat there is a blur of brown fur as he zooms across the room to the cat flap. What he thinks and feels is a puzzle, but I bet it’s a lot more simpler than the complexities of the human mind.
Simpler would be nice as I return to reflecting on the year just passed. I’ve not done much journaling of late, so I’m trying to put my thoughts and emotions in some sort of order, to gain some clarity for the new year. I’ve been disappearing into a fantasy world these last few months. Writing fiction is my escapism when reality gets too hard and opting to this safe place, where I’m in control, is far easier to deal with.
I’m glad to see the back of 2023 as there was never a pause to take a breath. The health of my parents was paramount, which led to burnout as I tried to take charge. At the time I didn’t realise what I was doing, and that I don’t have the power to control or change what life dishes out.
At this time of year my thoughts go back to Simon. This will always happen, no matter how much time has gone. I found myself thinking about the 1st January 2017. I can still remember the room as I walked in, it was quiet, sterile and completely surreal. This was different from the noise of machines and people during his final days. I touched his warm body and I knew his turmoil was over. I whispered to him that it was alright, he could go now.
I should have known back then I didn’t have any power over life and death, but when it’s someone you love then you will do all you can to keep them alive. It’s not ego or arrogance at play but a deep belief I can stop bad things from happening to others if I take the burden off them. Thinking I had the ability to prevent or even change major life events and failing, only created a feeling of helplessness. It’s this I’ve been carrying ever since, that it’s my responsibility to keep those I love safe and happy. It took a stranger to say, You don’t have that kind of power.
New Year weekend at work was busy as there was a large amount of people who needed help. Some I found frustrating, as no matter what you did it wasn’t enough. Then I took a call and straight away I knew something was really wrong. Before I has a chance to get their names, I’d already began to instruct a woman in giving CPR on her husband. She rang because she couldn’t wake him. She thought he was snoring, but even when giving compression he remained unresponsive. The snoring was more likely to be agonal breathing, which is not good news. The paramedics were there within minutes and my part was done.
I hope I made a difference to their lives. Keeping Simon alive whilst waiting for help to come was the most terrifying situation I’ve ever been in. I had no control over what was happening to him, but I did have a certain level of ability to do what I could to help him. I’ve never put this in to content before, knowing the difference between doing your best to help, rather than taking full responsibility for what happens to others.
It’s going to take time for me to realise I don’t have that level of power, so until it fully sinks in I’m not going to beat myself up for not doing more, for not spotting the signs, for not having the ability to prevent his death. I’m just one human on this very vast planet, but hopefully I do make a difference to the lives of those around me, and with whom I come into contact with.
I don’t do New Year Resolutions as to me they’re only good intentions which are either broken or not follow through. I do, however, have a few New Year Eve traditions and these little acts give me the comfort I need to prepare for year ahead.
It doesn’t help to dwell on what has gone, and who is no longer here but we can remember absent friends & loved ones with fondness, and hold them in our hearts.
Simon,
I remember you with love
You are never forgotten
Love your hermit
xxx
Simon's Hermit 