Dear Simon,
I’ve got an uneasy feeling, deep inside. It’s a restless pressure of wanting everything to happen at once and not wanting anything to happen at all. I want to stay put but I’m so stir crazy, I just want to run away. In fact I want to go on a long train journey, destination unknown, to give me enough time to figure things out. I crave social attention, that’s the extrovert in me, but I also need time alone. My head is in so much conflict and I don’t feel I’m connecting with anything or anyone. Routine is good and has been my friend for the last few years, but there is a real lack of the unexpected. A spontaneity that gives essential lift to life.
I know grief is not straight forward. One minute I’m enjoying myself and the next I’m having a flashback to you. Sometimes it’s an okay memory and other times, like before, it’s an image of you dying. I wish for the ability to switch it off, a simple button to press and the screen goes black. I assumed, with enough time passing, this would have happened, but nearly four years on and it still isn’t easy. Triggers still trigger me. This time of year still gets to me and that feeling of widowed disconnection makes me feel like an alien. I just want to get really drunk and dance with friends, but instead I’m dancing alone in my hallway…
I’m just going to say it. Christmas can go and fuck itself. New Year too. But when it finally does arrive I know I’ll be okay, it’s the lead up that’s more like pulling painful teeth with very big spoons. I sometimes wish it would all go away and me too for that matter…
Sorry, I’ve gone to that dark place, please don’t worry. Normally I’ll edit those bits out as I don’t want to upset anyone who cares about me. It’s the grief talking, not me. It’s also frustration and pain, but in a cathartic way writing it down jolts it out of my system. It’s as though grief temporarily had its claws around my throat and my power of the written word pulled me from its clutches. Like I said, grief is complex and also a shitter. Why can’t it be straight forward and simple…
Can it be made simple? Can I just stop over complicating it and turn it into something easy? Emotions make mountains out of molehills and a mental ill health creates tension so dramatic it’s like an erupting volcano. I need to stop the escalation but I fear this is difficult to put into practise.
So, my darling Simon, I’ll take a few deep breathes and try to calm my over active mind. I’m now sat here trying to think of something quite profound to write, or a coping mechanism to manage grief effectively. The fact is it’s more about riding out the storm and focusing on what I’ve got. I know my grief well, unfortunately, yet it sometimes does get the better of me. I am grateful, as there are lots of people who have it worse. I’m also thankful but…
I miss you so incredibly much,
And not being able to talk to you absolutely destroys me.
But I’ll try and keep it simple, as the complexity of grief can often be too much for me to bear.
Lots of love, as always
Your Hermit
X x x
Ps, Solo has just come in soaking wet. I had to dry him with his small towel and it made me smile
Simon's Hermit 