Dear Simon,
It’s April and the sun has been shining for days. It takes me back to eight years ago when we got married, on that bright spring Thursday. The night before I sat on the front door steps of a pub, with my sister, drinking beer and looking forward to our big day. I’ve got so many wonderful memories of that time, from the beauty of the stained glass in the hotel, to accidentally leaving my flowers in the cafe after breakfast, and of course you dancing with your tie around your head. You were incredibly nervous at the ceremony but you spoke words of love with such sincerity. We danced and laughed with friends & family and I got beetroot on my white dress. I didn’t care as nothing else mattered. I hold the 12th April very dear to my heart and neither time or death can erase the memories made on this day. It wasn’t about the future, there was no tomorrow or any 12th of never.
Our wedding anniversary is tomorrow, another one without you. I don’t believe I will ever fully get over losing you, but I want to let you know that I am happy again. It took a long while to get to this place – with the odd stumble -and I’m no longer anger or overwhelmed with grief. I still feel the sadness for how our life together suddenly crease to exist and how my beautiful you isn’t here.
This week I’ve had panic and anxiety, as the world is not the same as when you left it. There’s lots of fear out there, and with it the conformity of lockdown. You would have hated being told what to do but it is necessary for the greater good. The last few weeks I’ve been concentrating on what’s going on around me and trying to look after those I love. Hardly anytime to reflect on you but please be assured you are not forgotten.
I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad but it was very traumatic what happened to you. But at the same time I have a lot of love in my life, with family and friends, even though I can’t see them in the current circumstances. I’ve also got romantic love, a gentle and caring partner and our connection is wonderful. I often think about how you two would have got on. I imagine you both propping up the bar and have a healthy (or heated) discussion. Putting the world to right, sharing experiences and appreciating the general chats of utter bollocks.
I was supposes to go on an adventure next weekend but the threat of C-19 virus has delayed my plans. My challenge was to walk around an island, scatter your ashes and take some time out from busy societal life. Instead I’m in lockdown, similar to my early months of grief, but at least this time it’s with more love then pain. I don’t know what you would have made of this country in its current state? You never got to see the shambles of Brexit, or who is in charge of country, or the virus that forcing us all to shut down. I do believe you would have packed lots of books, grabbed your camping gear and headed to the woods. You would have taken me with you, of course.
Anyhow, this is where I leave you for the time being. To mark our anniversary I can’t go out and climb a hill, or go to the pub where we met, so I’ll plants apple trees in my garden and scatter your ashes. I’ll try not to be too sad as our wedding day holds too many happy memories. I never want to be without them now. Instead, I’ll look back with a smile on my face, in the knowledge I did know and love you and we shared so many good times together.
With love on this day,
Your Hermit
X x x
Simon's Hermit 